A Break

Hello, minions. Thank you for bearing with me over the past few weeks. My stomach pain and misery went unexplained for two weeks, but I seem to be more or less back to normal now. My only lingering symptoms are still having a small appetite and not feeling totally myself, but compared to the pain I was in, I feel like a million bucks.

While I've been in absentia, I've made the decision to take a hiatus from blogging. A lot of things are happening that are affecting me emotionally and mentally and I think it is in my best interest to focus on regaining my mental health. Without going into too much detail, there are personal/family matters, work matters, hip matters, and the pitiful state of NC public education {as of last week}, all of which have made the past few months - and especially this summer - the most trying and difficult times in recent memory. I start graduate school in a little less than a month, and as such have decided to spend the rest of my 'summer' getting my head on straight in preparation.

Thanks for your patience. I love this little blog, but I'm finding it challenging for the time being. I hope to be back here soon to share with you my journey of becoming a teacher.... which hopefully won't end with me having to move out of North Carolina to be able to support myself {again, see the new NC budget and the utter destruction of the public education system. I really love NC, but in political decisions, I tend to really hate it.}

In parting, here's a video of minions singing the banana song.

Enjoy.

A Tough Day.

Today has been really tough. Really, really, emotionally and mentally draining. Long story short, someone pulled me into the swimming pool on Saturday afternoon, and I immediately felt my hip react. No popping or breaking or sounds or anything, but I felt immediate significant pain, and I knew it was not good news. My hip has hurt much more intensely in the three days since, and last night I tried to stand up from sitting on the couch with my surgery leg as my plant leg, and I had to sit right back down because my hip was in too much pain from trying to support the pressure. I saw my therapist today, and he was mildly concerned with how much pain it was giving me, and said - basically - that it is super duper inflamed.

I haven't had a hip-induced mental/emotional breakdown in a long time; I have been fairly good, I think, about trying to stay positive and be hopeful and excited for what's to come. Nobody's perfect, of course, and nobody can expect me to be happy-go-lucky all the time given what's gone on over the past year. However, next week is my 12-week appointment, which is the "magic date" when you are theoretically cleared to run, and after today it became evident that I am in no shape to be running - or, really, doing anything active except biking. We can't kick my ache, and now we're dealing with insane(ly painful, I might add) inflammation.

So, going back to my long story short, today has been really tough. I bought myself a pair of Carolina blue running shorts {purchasing an item of running gear here or there has helped my motivation over the last many many months} after my appointment to cheer myself up, but it didn't work as well as I hoped it would, since I spiraled into thoughts of what-if-I-never-get-to-use-them and what-if-I-can-never-play-soccer-and-run-again-the-way-I-want-to.

Luckily, my friend KB sent over this gif of a dancing Doctor {played by Matt Smith}.

And WB sent me this bear hug.

And introduced me to this page of dog gifs that I'm ashamed and surprised I hadn't found before.

So, LET'S GO {in David Tennant voice}. I have some really great & supportive & laugh-inducing-even-when-you're-frowning friends {and family}, and I am so very thankful for them.

Honesty

It is alarming how close my thoughts are to negativity these days. A 30-second conversation with a jerk-hole realtor ruined my entire day, which had been going well up to that point {camp was good, we saw Roy Williams walking his laps near the Dean Dome, what could be better?}. We lost out on the place we thought was going to be the one and the dude was rude about it, and then I felt myself spiraling into depression about my hip, my weight gain, my love life, how slow work is, how I really need to get a part-time job but it wouldn't be feasible due to my 2x/week physical therapy appointments...

For the past {how many? I've lost track} months all anyone can ever say is "stay positive" and "you'll be up and running in no time!" But no one truly understands. It is literally impossible to imagine this situation if you have not been in this situation. And I'm doing it all alone - I don't have my parents here or a significant other to talk to. I have me. I seem to have stalled in progress in therapy, we're having to seriously work at beating back inflammation, I have constant pain when I walk - anywhere - even to the bathroom - and I haven't felt like I've improved in two weeks. My elastic waist shorts no longer feel comfortable most of the time because I have gained weight from the last 9 months of inactivity, and I'm not able to participate in the two things on Earth that make me the happiest - running & soccer. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and can't physically do much about it.

People will say: look at the positives! Look how far you have come! You can walk! You have to find things to be happy about now, or you will always be unhappy even when your hip is better or your situation is different!

But today, honestly, I do not see the positives. I do not see the progress. I do not see the bright future or the happy ending or the light at the end of the tunnel. I see a bum hip, an unhappy girl, and not much else.

Frustrated GIF

I am having the hardest time finding housing for next year in Chapel Hill. I have been looking for two months and have zero leads and zero interests. I feel like it should be pretty easy, since I lived there for 4 years and know the area well.

Unfortunately, I've now struck out on 5 different places. Long story short, I had a showing scheduled today for 3pm; at 2:30, I get a call from the realtor that he has a deposit on the way. We made this appointment on Friday, so obviously there was plenty of time for us to go see the unit and had we known he had other interest, we would have gone earlier. Luckily I was already in Chapel Hill, or I would have been halfway to town and had to stop and turnaround and go home once I found out. AK is also leaving North Carolina for the entire summer in just a couple of hours, so this was the first and only showing that she was going to be a part of. And we are supposed to be moving August 1, so we're getting a little bit down to the wire in a town that's run by university schedules. I just feel like with all of the crap that has happened in the past year, I would appreciate just one thing - ONE thing - being easy. Or working out. Or just being something that doesn't make my life so much harder than it already is.

{source}

One Month

Today officially marks four weeks post-surgery! To be honest, I had hoped that I would be much farther along by now. I think it is a combination of the things that my surgeon originally told me along with my total frustration from being sidelined so long when I am an extremely active person. I haven't exercised hard/MY way since October, and before that I haven't exercised without pain since August. So, by this point, I'm pretty frustrated and can also see the weight I'm gaining, which isn't something I'm overly worried about, but it's never fun (and summer is coming...).

I have tried my hardest to remain positive and optimistic over the past four weeks, but it's been very difficult. I'd thought the first several days post-op would be the hardest, but my mom was around and we expected me to feel bad - I'd just had surgery, after all. By now, though, I'm going stir-crazy and I can't do any of the things that make me the happiest, and I generally feel pretty lonely & isolated because of all of this. My goal for the next four weeks is going to be to stay as positive as possible, which hopefully should get easier as we move forward and I {finally, one day} transition completely off the crutches. We'll see.

*Edit: as my mom pointed out, it's important to try to remember how far I've come. It doesn't seem like much from my perspective, but when my mom left after the first week, I was still on two crutches, couldn't do anything for myself, and was only just recovering from several days' worth of nausea. I felt pretty terrible and was generally quite miserable. Despite my frustrations, I still am improving everyday.

Life has been pretty challenging and frustrating lately. Most obstacles are related to my hip, but also some things on a more personal level. I've also been pretty lacking in motivation during work these days.

Kind of like this {via pinterest}: