Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Honesty

It is alarming how close my thoughts are to negativity these days. A 30-second conversation with a jerk-hole realtor ruined my entire day, which had been going well up to that point {camp was good, we saw Roy Williams walking his laps near the Dean Dome, what could be better?}. We lost out on the place we thought was going to be the one and the dude was rude about it, and then I felt myself spiraling into depression about my hip, my weight gain, my love life, how slow work is, how I really need to get a part-time job but it wouldn't be feasible due to my 2x/week physical therapy appointments...

For the past {how many? I've lost track} months all anyone can ever say is "stay positive" and "you'll be up and running in no time!" But no one truly understands. It is literally impossible to imagine this situation if you have not been in this situation. And I'm doing it all alone - I don't have my parents here or a significant other to talk to. I have me. I seem to have stalled in progress in therapy, we're having to seriously work at beating back inflammation, I have constant pain when I walk - anywhere - even to the bathroom - and I haven't felt like I've improved in two weeks. My elastic waist shorts no longer feel comfortable most of the time because I have gained weight from the last 9 months of inactivity, and I'm not able to participate in the two things on Earth that make me the happiest - running & soccer. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and can't physically do much about it.

People will say: look at the positives! Look how far you have come! You can walk! You have to find things to be happy about now, or you will always be unhappy even when your hip is better or your situation is different!

But today, honestly, I do not see the positives. I do not see the progress. I do not see the bright future or the happy ending or the light at the end of the tunnel. I see a bum hip, an unhappy girl, and not much else.

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